Ditz

Issue date: 4/28/08 Section: Outside the Bubble

Media Credit: Ashley Van Sipma

Young people today are more miserable than any generation since we've been scientifically measuring misery, according to recent studies. And this misery trend has thrived, despite the widespread acceptance and use of anti-depressants in the United States. This article is an exploration of a primary cause of youth unhappiness: a lack of intimate relationships. The dating and mating practices of Generation Y (those born roughly between 1980 and 1996) are dramatically different than previous generations in ways that make young people more prone to loneliness and depression.

It seems to be a tradition that as generations age, they complain about the new youth. The hippies of the 1960s and 1970s were berated by older folks for their "free love" and affinity for illegal substances. In the 1980s, young people were criticized for their hair (yes, mohawks and multiple colors were all the rage), and "Satanic music" (did KISS really stand for "Kids in Satan's Service"?) I am loathe to join the chorus of commentators who complain about Generation Y, so I won't. This article is not about attacking, blaming, or judging young people and their beliefs and practices. Instead, I investigate the major causes of and remedies for Generation Y unhappiness.

Roots of Misery
According to new research, the root of the rise in youth misery is narcissism. Young people today are more narcissistic and self-centered than previous generations as a result of new parenting and educational norms that promote an inflated sense of self. Psychology Professor Jeane Twenge and five other researchers analyzed responses to the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI) from over 16,000 college students nationwide over the past two decades. They found that the NPI has increased steadily over time. In 1982, 30% of young people had scores indicating narcissism, and, by 2006, 67% had such scores. Contrary to popular mythology that the root of narcissism is low self-esteem, it actually reflects high self-esteem, coupled with the belief that one is unique and better than others. This dramatic rise in narcissism happened virtually over night by historical standards.

So how does an entire generation grow up with significantly greater narcissism than previous generations? Did they all get together in pre-school, say, at ages three and four, and decide that they were going to be narcissists? Of course not. They were set up by well-intentioned parents and educators who went overboard in attempts to boost self-esteem, and, as a result, established unreasonably high personal valuation and expectations. As children, GenYers were told that they were special; that they could be and do anything, which promoted the idea that they were destined for stardom and glory. This emphasis on being special translates into attitudes of superiority that are damaging to inter-personal relationships and, more broadly, civil society. Marketers also entered in the mix in the early 1980s, reinforcing a new brand of selfish individualism through appeals to the consumer self-interest of children. (GenYers are the first generation in the United States to experience cradle-to-grave marketing.) And all of this happened to GenYers before they were conscious of being conscious; before they had a choice in determining their characters and outlooks on life.

A few Cs in college is often the first wake-up call for GenYers. Some despair when they realize that they cannot meet their own expectations. According to Twenge's research, unreasonable expectations lead to depression, anxiety, cynicism, and even loneliness. Many internalize the idea that something is wrong with them if they can't live up to these expectations, instead of challenging the flawed model they have been given. Some GenYers also harbor the belief that they need to achieve success while they are young, which intensifies the pressure to achieve often-unobtainable goals. To compound this, GenYers are mostly "going it alone," given that narcissism also impedes emotional intimacy in relationships.


"Hooking Up"
When it comes to relationships, narcissism has changed dating and mating patterns for GenYers. Young people today seem more connected than ever, whether it is through Web 2.0 technologies (e.g., Facebook, MySpace), Blackberries, or new on-line experiences, like World of Warcraft. So why are they lonelier than ever? Scores of relationship experts agree that healthy relationships involve mutual respect, trust, honesty, support, equality, separate identities, and good communication. The three primary characteristics of narcissism - a lack of empathy, constant self-promotion, and aggressive responses to criticism - impede the development of healthy relationships. Indeed, narcissists are more likely to have relationships that are short-lived, lack emotional warmth, exhibit game-playing and dishonesty, are at risk for infidelity, and are more overly-controlling and violent. Furthermore, narcissists have a different take on sex and sexuality, which partially explains an inability to sustain lasting romantic relationships. According to Psychologist Ilan Shrira, "They see sexuality more in terms of power, influence, and as something daring." People with low levels of narcissism tend to see sexuality as related to caring and love for the other person.

New attitudes about intimacy are reflected in actual dating and sexual practices. Young people no longer date for the most part, and they enter committed relationships at a much lower rate than previous generations. Laura Sessions Stepp analyzes the effects of the new norm of non-intimate sex in her book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both (2007). She chronicles the sexual behavior of young women in high school and college, and finds that they don't go out on dates, and don't develop short- or long-term relationships. Instead, they "hook up." The "hook up" can "consist entirely of one kiss, or it can involve fondling, oral sex, anal sex, intercourse or any combination of those things. It can happen only once with a partner, several times during a week or over many months . . . . It can mean the start of something, the end of something or the whole something." Also of note is the greater willingness of young people to engage in casual sexual encounters with strangers, and to perform sex acts in semi-public spaces, such as parties. Another sign that intimacy in relationships has shifted is trends in oral sex. To older generations, oral sex is considered a very intimate act between two people, but for Generation Y, oral sex is a rather casual practice that most teenagers have engaged in at some point (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2005).

The purpose of these observations is not to make moral assertions about sex and love, or to pine for some non-existent Golden Age of relationships. The goal is to describe how new narcissism affects notions of intimacy for GenYers, which, in turn, affects their happiness. In short, intimacy matters because healthy relationships are the single greatest source of happiness for most people.

Roots of Happiness
Being happy has more to do with our connections to other human beings than with what is in our wallet. Indeed, over the past fifty years, Americans have become more economically prosperous on the whole, but our happiness index has not risen. Surprisingly, once personal wealth exceeds $12,000 annually, additional income produces virtually no positive effect on happiness (Vedamtam, 2006). In fact, a study conducted by the Department of Labor in 2006 indicates that the more money a person accumulates, the less likely they are to engage in activities that make them happy.

Contemporary research on happiness indicates that healthy relationships, whether they are romantic or not, make us happy. According to an AP/MTV survey of young adults in 2007, 75% of respondents said spending time with their family makes them the most happy. Spirituality and religion were also listed as important factors of happiness. Almost no respondents identified money or material wealth as "the one thing that makes them most happy."

When it comes to romance, Cornell University researcher Camp Dush finds that people in committed relationships are happier than their single counterparts, whether or not they are married. Furthermore, people in "casual relationships" are low on the happiness index. In other words, being in a romantic relationship makes both men and women happier, and the more committed the relationship, the greater the happiness.

Finding Happiness
So how does a GenYer find happiness in a world of impossibly high expectations and conceptions of self that work against meaningful relationships? Recognition of the narcissistic set-up is the first step to being liberated from it. This is easier said than done. Intensive introspection may produce hard and painful truths about oneself that are difficult for anyone to face, let alone someone who is steeped in the narcissistic model. GenYers might engage a series of questions to illuminate their narcissistic tendencies, and, more importantly, determine its negative effects in their lives. Such questions might include, "Do I think I am more important than other people in the world? Do I think I deserve more privileges than people around me? Do I recognize that I have a lot to learn about and from the world, and other people? Do I have a reasonable appreciation for knowledge and expertise? Can I accept criticism from people who evaluate me (e.g., educators, employers)?

Have I set reasonable expectations for my life that are personally meaningful and realistic? Do I have the unreasonable expectation that I will be famous? Do I have the unreasonable expectation that I will be very wealthy? Do I really need to be famous and/or wealthy to be happy?

Am I lonely? Am I happy? How do my relationships with family, friends, and romantic others affect my happiness? When it comes to relationships, do I see other people as primarily existing for me? Do I genuinely care about another person, meaning that her/his happiness is an important part of my happiness? Do I fear emotional intimacy? And, lastly, do I do unto others as I would have them do unto me?"

This informal inventory can illuminate the causes and consequences of Generation Y unhappiness. The next step is for GenYers to give themselves permission to explore new paths to happiness through meaningful life goals and more intimate relationships. Maybe they'll even come up with new and more meaningful ways for older generations to complain about them.

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