2008 Woodie Awards
Alternative Man Manual:
What She ACTUALLY Wants You To Know
Sasha Becerra
Issue date: 3/18/08 Section: Vanities
I can't tell you how often I hear the query "why are girls so confusing," followed by a series of complaints concerning the mysticism surrounding what women want. Granted, there is no golden rule that could help you navigate through a woman's sentiments, thoughts, and actions, but there are some basic tips that will make the experience a lot less painful. Magazines like Cosmopolitan will tell you that you should focus on bedroom tricks like how to give your partner a sensual massage to help them de-stress, but let's take the focus off the bedroom for a minute. Here are some tips to consider before you reach for massage oils and incense:
1. Date someone that you wouldn't mind being friends with
I don't mean go out and start making out with your best friends, because chances are you'd regret that in the end. The next time you find yourself attracted to someone that you want to pursue, consider this: do you enjoy spending time with them? That's usually the easy part because, typically, you wouldn't pursue someone you didn't like being around. Then, take it a step further and ask yourself if you would be friends with this person. What do you have in common? Can you carry a decent conversation beyond small talk? If all you can muster is talking about the weather or how you don't like the inflated gas prices, maybe you need to open up a bit more.
And finally, here's the tricky part: would you enjoy spending time with this person if you had absolutely no opportunity to be physical? I am by no means suggesting celibacy, but it's important to know whether you'll have anything to talk or laugh about when the intimacy is over. Two people can often be completely physically attracted to each other but plunge into awkward silence after the conversation tapers off-or worse-never existed in the first place. Why not pursue someone that you feel good around for more than just a couple hours on a weekend?
2. Pick up the Phone & Follow Up
We live in an age where communication is shamelessly easy and conversations can be replaced by a series of wireless substitutes-it's not that hard to stay in touch. Whether or not you two are seriously dating or just having fun, you'll undoubtedly feel happier if you respect each other and communicate. If you had to cancel on a friend you would let them know, so why not the girl you've been seeing?
Now, if you hung out with someone and had a good time, remember-it's okay to see each other again. Maybe you hit it off and you're curious to know more about her - don't wait a week to call her and then forget. A text message is not a marriage proposal, and writing on someone's wall isn't a date. Take advantage of low-risk means of communication through which you don't have to deal with the pressure of a face-to-face conversation or the potential uncomfortable silence of a phone call. Make a connection. Maybe you don't want to be in a serious relationship, or maybe you're looking into finding someone special; either way, you'll never know unless you put yourself out there.
3. Be Yourself
As cliché as it sounds, it's important to be yourself when meeting new people, especially someone you're interested in. Try to feel comfortable around her by putting the situation in perspective: it's just dinner. Show her all the best things you have to offer and don't worry so much about whether or not she thinks you're cool. By being yourself, you're giving the other person a chance to know you on more than just a superficial level, and it will be easier to tell whether or not you are compatible as friends or otherwise.
Being yourself around someone new is easier said than done, but that's why it's valuable to approach someone as a friend first. Hopefully you've already established some kind of trust or level of comfort with the person. Mimic the kinds of activities you would do with your friends to help you shake off some of the nervousness. Tell your friends that you invited that special someone to join you during your weekend festivities and feel out the situation. After all is said and done, you want the person to like you for being genuine, so try to be true to yourself.
4. Relax!
Say "relationship" out loud a couple times and get over it! The pressure to commit is usually what scares people away from making a genuine connection with someone, but don't let fear or insecurity make your decisions for you. Hanging out with someone and having a good time doesn't mean you're looking for a relationship, so don't let that inhibit you from meeting people. Invite them for coffee at Starbucks, go for a walk, or just chat for a while and get to know them. There is no harm in trying to get to know someone-relationship or not. Remember that the person you're pursuing is probably just as nervous as you are so be bold-ask her out to dinner. Who know, maybe all the anxiety and text messages will be worth your while.
1. Date someone that you wouldn't mind being friends with
I don't mean go out and start making out with your best friends, because chances are you'd regret that in the end. The next time you find yourself attracted to someone that you want to pursue, consider this: do you enjoy spending time with them? That's usually the easy part because, typically, you wouldn't pursue someone you didn't like being around. Then, take it a step further and ask yourself if you would be friends with this person. What do you have in common? Can you carry a decent conversation beyond small talk? If all you can muster is talking about the weather or how you don't like the inflated gas prices, maybe you need to open up a bit more.
And finally, here's the tricky part: would you enjoy spending time with this person if you had absolutely no opportunity to be physical? I am by no means suggesting celibacy, but it's important to know whether you'll have anything to talk or laugh about when the intimacy is over. Two people can often be completely physically attracted to each other but plunge into awkward silence after the conversation tapers off-or worse-never existed in the first place. Why not pursue someone that you feel good around for more than just a couple hours on a weekend?
2. Pick up the Phone & Follow Up
We live in an age where communication is shamelessly easy and conversations can be replaced by a series of wireless substitutes-it's not that hard to stay in touch. Whether or not you two are seriously dating or just having fun, you'll undoubtedly feel happier if you respect each other and communicate. If you had to cancel on a friend you would let them know, so why not the girl you've been seeing?
Now, if you hung out with someone and had a good time, remember-it's okay to see each other again. Maybe you hit it off and you're curious to know more about her - don't wait a week to call her and then forget. A text message is not a marriage proposal, and writing on someone's wall isn't a date. Take advantage of low-risk means of communication through which you don't have to deal with the pressure of a face-to-face conversation or the potential uncomfortable silence of a phone call. Make a connection. Maybe you don't want to be in a serious relationship, or maybe you're looking into finding someone special; either way, you'll never know unless you put yourself out there.
3. Be Yourself
As cliché as it sounds, it's important to be yourself when meeting new people, especially someone you're interested in. Try to feel comfortable around her by putting the situation in perspective: it's just dinner. Show her all the best things you have to offer and don't worry so much about whether or not she thinks you're cool. By being yourself, you're giving the other person a chance to know you on more than just a superficial level, and it will be easier to tell whether or not you are compatible as friends or otherwise.
Being yourself around someone new is easier said than done, but that's why it's valuable to approach someone as a friend first. Hopefully you've already established some kind of trust or level of comfort with the person. Mimic the kinds of activities you would do with your friends to help you shake off some of the nervousness. Tell your friends that you invited that special someone to join you during your weekend festivities and feel out the situation. After all is said and done, you want the person to like you for being genuine, so try to be true to yourself.
4. Relax!
Say "relationship" out loud a couple times and get over it! The pressure to commit is usually what scares people away from making a genuine connection with someone, but don't let fear or insecurity make your decisions for you. Hanging out with someone and having a good time doesn't mean you're looking for a relationship, so don't let that inhibit you from meeting people. Invite them for coffee at Starbucks, go for a walk, or just chat for a while and get to know them. There is no harm in trying to get to know someone-relationship or not. Remember that the person you're pursuing is probably just as nervous as you are so be bold-ask her out to dinner. Who know, maybe all the anxiety and text messages will be worth your while.
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